There is a saying that states "all's fair in love and war." In other words, when it comes to something you covet — be it a person, or property, or a promotion — there are no rules or regulations. Anything goes. The laws that govern society such as honesty and compassion don't apply. Cheating, lying, breaking promises, reneging on your word, and fighting dirty are acceptable.

I have no doubt that whoever came up with this phrase must have been a very jealous person. Jealousy is a virus-like  emotion that invades a man's or woman's emotional hard-drive and dissolves the moral center of an otherwise rational, ethical person, and warps his/her outlook on life. According to this statement, if you want something, it's all right to use any way possible to get it. Since invariably the "object" of this person's desire belongs to someone else, it's okay to remove this "obstacle" to your goal via any means at your disposal. Even if you have to lie, sow seeds of doubt, slander, steal, or kill.

Of the Ten Commandments given by G-d to the nation of Israel, and by extension to all of humanity, only one asks us to control a human emotion: "Thou shall not covet." The others command us to do or not do an action, like keeping Shabbat and not stealing. G-d orders us not to covet, for when somebody wants what the other person has, he is possessed by jealousy. This leads to two evil courses of action: either removing — by force or  cunning — the desired object away from the "owner" in order to have it for themselves. For instance, a bully hits a smaller kid and takes his toy. Or by doing or saying something that leads to the owner losing the object without the other getting it. In other words, "If I can't have it, he won't either." The person — for example, a colleague — is not in line for a promotion, but will do what he can to make sure his fellow worker doesn't get it either. He will launch false rumors about the fellow's behavior and integrity that could negatively affect the promotion. 

There is an amazing word in Yiddish to describe this pathetic attitude. The word is "fahgin." The closest English translation is "forgive," except there is no action that needs forgiving. If a girl, for example, is dating someone great, she may have friends who don't fahgin her good fortune. They aren't happy for her (although they pretend to be) and they don't forgive her for being in a better situation than them. There is a possibility that they will be so resentful of her state of being that they will try to ruin it.

From the beginning of man's existence, this curse of jealousy has been responsible for wars, murder, divorce, broken friendships, and countless atrocities. Cain, the son of Adam, the first man, murdered his brother Abel due to jealous rage. G-d had accepted Abel's animal sacrifice but not Cain's. If Cain couldn't enjoy G-d's favor, neither could his brother. So he killed him.

Our Arab terrorist neighbors, those who wish to eradicate The State of Israel, intrinsically hate us simply due to jealousy. They follow in the footsteps of countless nations trying to make the Jewish people extinct. At the root of this hatred and desire to remove us is the fact that people/nations can't fahgin our historic ability to "rise from the ashes" and thrive. They don't forgive the Jewish people's ability to succeed despite the horrific odds against us. They see our way of life and then look at theirs; and not being able to self-blame, to take responsibility for their collective and individual shortcomings, they blame the Jews. Sadly, many do have it good — they are prosperous and live well — but can't enjoy what they have because of a true or false perception that the Jews have it better. They don't want to  see the hard work and sacrifice that went into these achievements.

On a personal level, I have had "friends" who openly or behind my back expressed their jealousy of me. Not once did they take into account the hard work that went into attaining some of my accomplishments, or the personal sacrifices that were made to obtain certain results. People simply see the outcome, never the headache or the heartache that went into it. Sadly, they could never see their own blessings. They could never see their own successes, their accomplishments and their happiness.

Tragically, they have not heeded the brilliant advice of Pirkei Avot (Ethics of Our Fathers) that clearly states: "Who is rich? He who is happy with their lot." This simple but true statement is the only antidote to jealousy and the misfortune and misery and mayhem that accompanies it. When people (and nations) appreciate what they have — instead of thinking that "the grass is greener on the other side," and trying to obtain this "grass" by whatever means possible — then we may finally all be able to sleep peacefully.

Copyright © 2005 by Moshe Kupfer. 

Moshe Kupfer is a columnist for The Jewish Press.

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